Rhapsody In Brown
“Welcome to Hollywood! What’s your dream?”
Remember that line from the movie Pretty Woman? The practically-true-story about a beautiful disease-free prostitute with a heart of gold (so original!) who snags a millionaire who’s willing to risk everything after just a few days with this walking petri dish? It’s lovvvve!
Hey, did you know that the fire escape where that cold-hearted corporate lawyer turned Prince Charming “rescues” that whore, has long been a staple of Hollywood tours thanks its convenient location right off Hollywood Blvd? True!
Why are we talking about this rancid slut movie? Because we’re going to share something that happened in Hollywood this week. Sit down, close your eyes and picture it: Los Angeles, 2019. You’re getting into your car near the legendary Hollywood Walk of Fame… when all of the sudden, a crazy, er “sanity challenged”, uh… “housing estranged” person approaches you from behind and dumps a hot bucket of diarrhea over your head. Yes, kids. You read that correctly. It happened.
Welcome to Hollywood!
I’m sorry if this comes off as bitter. The fact is, I am, I am and I am.
We have tried for 15 years to make people happy. We have only wanted to show off our wonderful town and cool stuff, but it’s just become unlivable. We, this is no exaggeration, we now have to lock our doors during business hours for fear of our safety.
Recently our own Terrific Terry was sitting at the front desk when this… this creature walked in and stole my beloved statue.
Ok here comes the most effed up part: we have security cameras that monitor movement after hours (and catch people shoplifting. It happens, but that’s for another time. We have the video.) This thing in a purple afro wig walked into the shop and after only a few seconds, it turned to look directly into the camera and smiled. SMILED. This camera is not hidden, but it’s not really obvious either. It SMILED. Have a look.
Does this even look human?
The creature left, Police arrived and Terry is fine (though Terry did chase it out with the taser).
I don’t want to discourage anyone from coming to Hollywood and taking a tour (one of OUR tours in particular!) but this is only one reason of why we’re exhausted. It’s hard (stop) to watch your favorite city get torn down one building at a time. It’s hard to (stop) have become forbidden to drive through and show an entire city (Beverly Hills). It’s hard (stop) to be banned from another legendary neighborhood (Hollywood Hills). So now we worry about being attacked by people who behave like monkeys in a zoo and will literally throw shit at you.
But yeah come to LA. It’s great.
Everyone who works for Dearly Departed Tours loves this city so much that our lives literally revolve around sharing it with others. I know that shit-baths don’t happen every day (it’s worthy to note that every single news story about this incident points out the fecal stew was HOT) but there is little wind left in our sails. We have tried for years to get the city’s attention this matter and more. This did not happen overnight.
“I know what you must be saying to yourselves
if that’s the way she feels about it why doesn’t she just end it all?
Oh, no, not me I’m not ready for that final disappointment”
I bet you’re thinking, ummm did she just quote Peggy Lee? Yes.
This is one of the greatest and most twisted songs ever written: Is That All There Is?
In other news, I was asked to be a guest on a TV show called The Doctors on the Paramount lot. We’ll be taping right around the time you receive this email. The irony is that they’ve probably invited me to trt and figure out what’s wrong with me. I’ll let you know how that goes.
I don’t blame you if you want to unsubscribe to these newsletters. I probably would. I’ll try not to be as negative in the future. Promise.
I love you guys.
Scott and the Dearly Departed Team
Oh look Mary, Jello. You’re favorite.
Oh and please follow us because it’s supposed to be very important.