Queen Elizabeth

August 4, 1900 – March 30, 2002

I’ll polish it off myself.


Queen Elizabeth
Queen Elizabeth


Most Mighty and Most Excellent Princess Elizabeth, Queen Dowager and Queen Mother, Lady of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Lady of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Lady of the Imperial Order of the Crown of India, Grand Master and Dame Grand Cross of the Royal Victorian Order upon whom had been conferred the Royal Victorian Chain, Dame Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, Dame Grand Cross of the Most Venerable Order of the Hospital of St John, Relict of His Majesty King George the Sixth and Mother of Her Most Excellent Majesty Elizabeth The Second by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, Sovereign of the Most Noble Order of the Garter (thanks to David Wood for those)

I stole the sign above (it is massive) from a club last Sunday night.  Yeah, I was a bit drunk, and thought I could get away with it.   In retrospect, I am embarrassed, but I got the sign, and that’s what really matters.  That same night, (I must have overdosed on klepto pills) I stole this sign from McDonalds.



To the Queen, who was having a glass of wine with lunch, “Is that wise?  You know you have to reign this afternoon.”



31 March, 2002

Well, the old bird finally bit it.  She was a mother, in every sense of the word.  She died at 3:15 Saturday afternoon, at The Royal Lodge, Windsor.



Dead pools across the world are racking up some serious points this week.

The Queen was supposedly at her mother’s bedside when it happened.  A little while before, the Queen Mother asked her daughter to leave her alone for a bit.  When the Queen returned, QM was festooned with pearls and earrings.  She died shortly thereafter.

As I write this, the QM’s casket was taken to the Royal Chapel of All Saints, in Great Windsor Park.



The funeral itself will take place, next Tuesday, April 9.  It’s gonna be a biggie.  I’ll be there, and get you the scoop.  Stay tuned.

9 April, 2002

Well today was the funeral.  The Queen Mother’s coffin has been on display since last Friday, in Westminster Hall.  The line up was hours long, and there was no way I was going to stand around just to see a box with a flag on top of it.  Same with Nixon.  When he died I went all the way to Yorba Linda, and then they wanted us to wait for hours.  Not even an open casket.  No thanks.

Today’s festivities were good.  I stood in The Mall from about 11:00 a.m., where I could see this view of Westminster Abbey.




The hearse wasn’t due until 12:45.  I got there early enough to see Charles leave for the Abbey from these gates.



I had a walk around, and saw a lot of the tributes people left in memory of the Queen Mother.



I also saw the stretchers that the ambulance people had prepared just in case.



Then I walked over to St. James’s Palace, to check out that window with the ghostly apparition, from the Princess Margaret story I wrote earlier.  Here’s a close up of the window.  Not as spooky, close up.



As I stood in The Mall, waiting for the hearse to pass me by, we were fortunate to have loudspeakers up, to listen to the service.



It was a nice touch.  We would have been bored to tears otherwise.

At 12:45, just as we were expecting the cortege, there were military planes that did a memorial fly over.



It really was stunning.  I took an mpeg of them, and thanks to Julie you can download it now. Shortly after that, the cortege appeared.



First it was the hearse, with the Queen Mother’s coffin, covered in her Royal Standard.



Followed closely by Charles in his car.



Some of these pictures came out horrible, for which I apologize.  I should have brought my faithful 35mm, and not the stupid digital one.

The next batch of cars were the A list Royals.  The Queen and Prince Phillip.



Princes Harry and William, who were very enthusiastic to see the planes overhead.



I saw Edward and Sophie, Princess Anne and her brood.  After they passed, that was it. I went home.

Ever the shoplifter (or shirt lifter, depending), I took this sign from the Tube station closest to my house.


Queen Elizabeth's Death Certificate



She is buried in St. Georges Chapel, Windsor.



Before her death, there was a exe program going around, to try and keep her alive.  You can get it here.  Its a hoot, I promise.

Findadeath.com friend David Wood also sends us these extracts from a “guest book.”  They’ve really made the rounds, and are hysterical.  Thanks David!

“I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade


At last we can look the people of New York in the face”.
L.Ward, Mansfield.
“When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did.
Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the
rest of my life,
but I will probably break that one too”.
“She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are sh*t”
J.Clement. Grantham.
“I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly”
D.Holmes, Somerset.
“She was a trooper and she never gave up.
I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would
like to make a visit to
the cloakroom before she left. ‘No’ she replied, ‘I didn’t give in to the
Nazis and I won’t give in to the bladder’.
That’s how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything.
She p*ssed herself later though,it was sickening”.
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
“She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover”.
L. J.Worthington, Penrith.
“I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off”.
S.Wilson, Bristol.
“How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal
family without being accused of being homosexual”.
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
“Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to
experiment with drugs”.
E. Franks, Cheshire.
“On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences”.
T.Watson, Ilford.
“Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around the
mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists”.
Y. Howell, Slough.
“Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should
have a bit more compassion.
How would she feel if it was her mother?”
W.Waugh, Richmond.
“It is such a loss, God has sh*t on our heads”.
K. O’Neil, Inverness.
“I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public
N. Wallace, Swansea.
“I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible
E. Thompson, West Lothian.
“Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better”
P.McGregor, Southampton.
“We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers,
anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her
R. Thompson, Bath.
“I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again
until her majesty is buried”
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
“Good God who is next, Geri Halliwell?”.
R. Combes, Romford.
“No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile.
Just like a retard”
G. Hollins, East Sussex.
“I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind,
so generous and so sweet.
She whispered softly in my ear, ‘you know its not true’ she said, ‘you don’t
smell of sh*t’. She was a wondrous person”.
E.Collier, London.
“Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana”.
G.Williams, West Midlands.
“She was one of us, and by that I don’t mean she perpetrated insurance fraud
or lied about expense claims.
She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma’am”.
L. Weller, Harlow.
“If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.
“She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and
Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of
privilege and comfort”
T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.



6 thoughts on “Queen Elizabeth

  • October 28, 2022 at 10:44 am

    I laughed so hard at those comments I woke both my cats up.

  • May 16, 2022 at 2:04 pm

    JFC those guestbook comments are the BEST!! I laughed way too hard at most of them. Thank you Scott, I needed that!

  • February 3, 2021 at 5:34 am

    Was anticipating a somber, solumn, gentle read about the Queen Mum before I drifted off to sleep…only to read the guest book comments and ended up very wide awake laughing. And then I remembered what site I was visiting! So it’s my own fault, Scott!

    • June 25, 2021 at 2:27 pm

      This is my favorite: “I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public

      Sums up her character pretty well. She went toe to toe with Anne in this area.

  • December 8, 2020 at 6:54 pm

    We Brits never miss the chance to take the piss, no matter who it was. The song The Ballad Of Lucy Jordon, though released in 1979, served as a stark premonition of the death of Diana. Diana DID manage to ride through Paris in a sports car, but was sadly only 36 at the time. Marrianne Faithful was only one year out.

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